‘I guess there is no one to blame
We’re leaving ground
Will things ever be the same again?
It’s the final countdown’
The days are slipping away quickly now. It feels like only yesterday that I made my decision and, with much hesitation and reluctance, booked my flight home to Melbourne. I own that decision. I made it without any outside help or influence, apart from visa restrictions, a dwindling bank account and perhaps the encouragement of a much-missed friend or two. But it doesn’t mean I like the decision that I have made.
I’m not sure that my new way of being fits in with my old Melbourne life. I’m not even sure that it fits in with Melbourne. But there’s congruence missing here as well. To stay would mean to stay stalled. I’ve waited, but the fog of uncertainty hasn’t lifted and I’m not sure that it can or will, here. So I’m doing the only thing I know to do and that is to take a step a forward, and the only logical step at this point in time is to return to Melbourne.
I love Phuket, this island which is both the easiest and hardest place to be. Perhaps the most difficult thing to let go of, more than the beaches, the tropical sea or the warm weather, is the freedom I have had over the last two years, to travel, to roam, to dive, to sleep, to write, to do whatever it is that I feel like when I feel like it. Perhaps now is the time to re frame my definition of freedom.
For all I’ve achieved, I still have a sense of failure, that I’ve failed my quest. Wasn’t I supposed to fall effortlessly into a new career or a new love or become a yogi? Where is my Under the Tuscan Sun ending or my Eat Pray Love ending or even my Thirty-Something and Over it ending?
Have I missed something? Not taken a risk I should have taken? (Should the word I still sometimes use which means something that I don’t really want to do but think through the eyes of others I must do.) I know that’s none of this is true and that my story has it’s own unique ending. Right now it is Melbourne but even Melbourne is not the end, just another beginning or another step before another step.
For now, this is the end of a chapter, a parting of ways, and with endings comes grief that must be felt to its conclusion. There is sadness, tears, dread, despair, emptiness, fear. And there are their opposites too. Contentment, gratitude, love, peace, faith. I am returning home both victorious and defeated, full of memories, most happy, some sad, into the loving arms of much missed friends and families.
I enter a new chapter. I have a new notebook, a blank page and my pen is poised to write.