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Hello and welcome to my blog formerly called Gypsy-K. Please note that I am only updating this blog while I am walking from Rome to Jerusalem from September 2015. My online home and permanent blog is at www.kymwilson.com.au. You can also sign up for pilgrim postcards and newsletters here. Thank you for being here and supporting my journey. With love and courage, Kym xx

Friday, 23 November 2012

My Healing Heart


I said: What about my eyes?
God said: Keep them on the road.
I said: What about my passion?
God said: Keep it burning.
I said: What about my heart?
God said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: Pain and sorrow?
He said: Stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
~ Rumi

I love my slow and quiet starts to Friday after I have earned my living for the week and my long weekend begins in silence and soulitude soaking in written words.

Last night, I left work wearing tiredness like a heavy cloak draped around my shoulders and with the almost constant sadness tugging at my heart. I am okay with the sadness now. Over the last several months, we have sat and conversed and I have discovered it to be a friend. Its name is longing, calling me deeper into who I really am. Calling me to love this world fiercely. It is the gap, the space between where I am and where I am called to be. And it’s getting smaller if not more urgent.

As part of my Reverb in December last year, I picked focus as my word for 2012. Back then, I thought my focus was to finally answer the question that has eluded me over the last four years since I became aware I no longer wanted a career in financial planning: What am I going to do with my life?  But the focus I really needed found its own way to me. Healing. Healing my hidden but deeply wounded heart.

Time heals all wounds. So goes that old adage often quoted as a means of offering comfort to those who grieve and hurt. But does it really? Time puts space between the infliction of the wound and the present moment, softening to a sting but does it heal the wound? In my experience, no, time does not heal all wounds.

My mum died sixteen years ago this year on the 19th December after suffering Facioscapularhumeral Muscular Dystrophy (FSHD) for most of her life. We had an extremely turbulent relationship to the extent that she was emotionally abusive towards me when I was a child. Despite this, I still had to be one of her main caregivers as she was confined to bed, unable to walk without falling. Although I was scared of her a lot of the time, I still loved her. She was my mum. I knew who she really was in her heart but her disease, her suffering and her own unhealed wounds from her childhood complicated everything.

Invisible wounds from childhood. Invisible wounds from loss. Time has not healed these wounds.

It is presence, offering them light, feeling and expressing all those painful festering emotions until they dissipate. This is what heals. It requires strength, courage, patience and as I have found, the support of a beautiful, gifted healer to enable this healing. It is still in progress but I have come a long way.

I understand now why I felt compelled to come back to Melbourne and why I have felt so stuck, confused and unable to figure out the way forward. My heart is opening and as it opens so does the way forward. I have been unraveling into wholeness, finding my way back into my heart, fully, so my heart can guide me for the rest of my life.

Me soaking up the sunlight by the Yarra River, Melbourne

Returning to the work tower after a light-filled lunch break

Coloured light, sunset over the Docklands, view from the work tower, Melbourne


8 comments:

  1. That's beautiful, Kim. I love that Rumi quote and have been reminding myself lately to notice when I'm in pain or uncomfortable and not find an instant distraction for comfort.

    My consciousness must have lapsed when I woke up from a holiday nap this afternoon and promptly ate half a jar of peanut butter with a plastic fork. :)

    XO K

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    1. Kitty! How are you lovely? So what if you lapsed, you eat that peanut butter with joy and it's peanut butter worth eating! We miss you here. Happy Thanksgiving! xx

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  2. This is Beautiful.. I send you thoughts of peace and filling that longing with joy.. However it sounds like you are healing your way through it beautifully

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts. I am healing beautifully and joy is definitely part of that longing x

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  3. "Invisible wounds from childhood. Invisible wounds from loss. Time has not healed these wound
    Kim,
    I pulled this quote out because it is beautiful. I love that it is true to not sugar coated or tied up with a bow... it is real. I also love this one "My heart is opening and as it opens so does the way forward" You have such a great way of taking what you are experiencing and processing it enough to share it in an articulate way to help others on their healing journeys... Lovely.

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    1. Thank you Heidi for your kind words and encouragement.

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  4. Wonderful that you have come this far as to be able to share and voice your feelings, healing has no time, but from these words it sounds like your heart is opening and you are moving forward. Small steps each day Kym, your writing is full of emotion and flow just beautiful!
    Carla x

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  5. Thanks Carla. My life is filled with grace right now. I can't always see it but it is definitely there x

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