I’ve been silent for quite a few weeks now and this is the reason why…..
My longing for stillness, to be in the one spot and stop moving around has been fulfilled. Apart from my temporary departure to obtain a new visa, I have spent 6.5 weeks in one place. Despite the stillness, I decided to listen to the very specific instructions given to me in a dream, those instructions being, “Kym, stop being so afraid and do your IDC” (Scuba Instructor Development Course) which have now taken me on a whole new roller coaster ride. At first, I wrestled with the decision; Should I do it? Do I want to do it? Do I want to work as a Scuba Instructor? Will I be good at it? Should I spend the money? What if I’m not good at it? What if I fail? My mind and inner word have been clouded by fear and doubt. I spent two weeks on the yes, no, maybe roller coaster and then finally I committed to doing it and enrolled myself in the course. I tried to write several times during my period of silence but my inner world was such a whirl, I was constantly distracted by my emotions and thoughts that I struggled to string together anything of real meaning.
Yesterday was prep day where I met my class mates, completed paperwork, revised some theory and snorkeled 800 metres. The course officially started today. I am nervous and anxious. As soon as I wake up, these emotions start flowing forcefully from my belly. My doubting self chimes in and the self-deprecating thoughts commence. Maybe you’re not good enough, maybe everyone else is better, maybe you will fail and so forth.
My dive instructor friends have all reassured me that I will pass. And in fact there is a wager going that I will pass. But despite all of this, my self-doubt is high. Despite everything I have achieved in my life, the self-doubter within me still thrives. I thought that perhaps I had made peace with her this year. By leaving Melbourne and travelling by myself, I have learned so much about me and been reminded many times over that I can do anything that I put my mind to. But the self-doubter within still persists and this is part of the reason I must do my IDC…to overcome my self doubt.
Self-doubt is not the only factor generating my fear. Becoming a Scuba Instructor is a fairytale dream I had a few years ago. Deep down I wished for it to come true but it has taken a long time for me to even acknowledge this longing yet alone allow it to be a real possibility in my world and not just some nonsense, illogical dream. Now I am following my desire and hoping with all my heart that it comes true but there is fear of disappointment, of not succeeding, of not being good enough. In pursuing my dream, there is risk of failure and perhaps crushing my heart and my hopes in the process. But where there is great risk there is also great rewards. So I am chasing the dream.